Listen: A powerful new book about life, death, relationships, mental health and how to talk about what matters – from the Sunday Times bestselling author ... to Find the Words for Tender Conversations

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By bringing together stories with a lifetime’s experience working in medicine and the newest psychology, Mannix offers lessons for how we can better speak our mind and help when others need to. As someone who had loved Kathryn Mannix's previous book this was a "must read". The true life story in the first chapter is set in the author's early days as a doctor and brought tears to my eyes. It is a story about the author, a widow and Dorothy who helped out. It sets a tone for this book about the difficulties of dealing with challenging situations and conversations. Even when these are done "properly" they sometimes don't work all that well.

Silence is often where we do our thinking. We can support someone without interrupting their flow of thoughts by saying simple phrases that show we are maintaining attention: “Take your time”; “I’m not in a hurry”; “This needs some thought”. This is especially helpful when you can’t see each other – for example, during a phone call. A big mistake is trying to fix the other person's problems or offer false reassurances: "If you feel 'at least' coming out of your mouth, it doesn't matter what else you're going to say. It's the wrong thing to say," Mannix said. Helping them to look on the bright side is a well-intentioned, but hopeless and potentially hurtful strategy, she said. Avoid phrases like, "At least your wife has a job" or "at least you're young enough to get pregnant again," she said. This is a wonderfully practical book, well laid out and easy to read. The language is familiar and conversational, and the illustrations are a nice touch. Her book comes out at a very important time as so many have had to face ideas of mortality with the pandemic, when there are many more unwell people right now and when increasingly people are struggling with their mental health. The book is told mostly through a series of case studies that range from conversations with relatives, patients, friends and strangers too. Including her own personal stories works so well, even showing us when she hasn’t used the skills herself, most notably on one occasion when she fails to tell a terminally ill woman she is dying. And it was hard not to be moved by the man determined to shave himself, a finally act of dignity before he died. I really liked the analogy of dancing and conversation - there are lots of different components, and the speaker and the listener can fall into step together.This is a beautiful book … Too often people want their friends and relations to take all the difficult talk to a therapist, there has to be more than the professional listeners who know how to have a mutually impactful beautiful, tender conversation. This is a book for everyone … I actually feel listened to by reading it’Philippa Perry -

Here are five tips she offers to anyone who is faced with leading a challenging conversation. 1. Start with a cup of tea I waited quite a few months to follow up on my lecturer's recommendation as I'm not the best at reading anything that isn't an article I can reference in an assignment during term time, but I wish I had read it sooner and spent some time during the summer to reflect on it.

Right now, there is quite likely to be a conversation you are trying to avoid,” writes Kathryn Mannix in her new book Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations, a follow-up to With the End in Mind, her moving and bestselling exploration of how to die well. “We all have moments when words fail us,” she explains. “This book is an invitation to notice and expand the skills we all possess.” When you’re talking about emotional pain, you cannot do something that takes the person’s pain away. The way we listen affects the speaker’s confidence. If we listen as ‘experts’, the speaker may fear exposing their uncertainty, or they may move from useful problem-solving to seeking our advice. If we listen as ‘critics’, to judge or point out errors, they may fear exposing their mistakes. If we listen with a vested interest, they may feel unable to explore negative emotions or hurts.” Grief is not an illness, it is a response to loss. The grief will last as long as the loss does, and after a death the loss will last for ever. The loss permeates a bereaved person’s present, their memories of the past and their expectations of their future. Although they will eventually find their pain is a smaller component of their everyday life, it is not going to leave them completely. … They will not ‘get over it’ despite encountering many people who tell them that they should. Grief is a process that will eventually enable them to live alongside the loss. It will take the time it takes.” Our ability to remain alongside as they experience their emotional storm does not lessen their distress, but it prevents the additional pain of feeling abandoned in a place of suffering.”

Because talking about death won’t make it happen. But not talking about it robs us of choices and moments that will not come again” The author, Dr Kathryn Mannix, started her career in cancer care and then moved into palliative care. She is honest and real in this book and give examples of how she got things wrong early in her career when talking to people in traumatic situations. She then explains how those conversations could have been so much better for all concerned. The bright side is not where they are, and it doesn't really matter whether that's a pregnancy loss, whether it's a redundancy," said Mannix. "The right thing to say is probably nothing, except,"I'm really sorry, this must be so painful for you. I haven't got any words that are going to make this any better, but I'm prepared to just sit here and be with you.'"It’s not a bad thing if strong emotions are expressed during a difficult discussion: don’t try to close them down by offering reassurance or advice. Be a quiet companion to those in distress; if they cry or rage, or fall helplessly silent, stay present and validate what they feel. Useful phrases include: “It’s OK to feel like this”, “I’m sorry this is so upsetting” or “I’m glad you can talk about this with me”. By bringing together stories with a lifetime's experience working in medicine and the newest psychology, Mannix offers lessons for how we can better speak our mind and help when others need to.